Prologue
Present time…
I stare into the
darkness. I can just make out the white walls surrounding me. I can’t remember
how long I have been here in this room. Some things I don’t recall because of
the drugs they give me, but I have memories, which haunt me most nights, and I
start to lose my mind. I guess that’s why I’m in this place with white walls.
I’m not allowed to have pencils or pens
or anything that is sharp and could hurt someone, but they do give me crayons
to draw with. I would like to think I could adjust to the life I lead now, but
when I awake from my dreams, I go crazy. Crazy,
a word I don’t like to hear or use when I’m locked up in this place. This place
would make anyone insane. At least that’s what they tell me anyway—that I’m
insane.
I hear the sound of footsteps outside my
door. A door with a tiny window just above my head, so I can’t see out, but
they can see in. A light clicks on, the door opens, and a man in a red smock
walks in carrying a tray of food for me. It’s the same man I see every day,
which tells me it must be morning. The people here wear different colored
smocks, which I guess is, so we can determine what time it is.
“Breakfast,” the man in the red smock,
says each morning. I am not able to approach him or any of the people who come
into my room, or they will strap my hands and feet down onto the metal railing
of the bed. I don’t like them doing that, so I try to be a good girl and do as
they ask.
He sets the tray on a small table in the
corner of my room. It’s where I eat and draw my pictures of my dreams; some are
good, but most are bad. They hang them on the wall for me to look at, but they
don’t know what they mean to me. The people who work here tell me that the bad
pictures are about the girl in my dreams — I know I was only trying to protect
her, the girl in my dreams. We were once friends, so long ago in the world
outside these walls.
I don’t answer back when the man in the
red smock talks to me. I sit and wait for him to leave, then I eat my
breakfast. I have to eat the food quickly because they come back in and take
away the tray if I don’t. I’ve learned to count in my head the amount of time I
have. They give me fifteen minutes to eat. I write crayon marks on the backside
of my pictures for each minute. They ask me about the marks, but I don’t tell
them. I don’t even know what day it is, much less the month or year. I guess it
doesn’t really matter; I’m not going anywhere.
The light clicks on and off twice to let
me know that they are coming in for the tray. I quickly make my way to the bed
and sit down while they take it away. A woman enters, glides over to the bed,
and sits down beside me. Her blonde hair rests softly on her shoulders. I can
feel her blue eyes stare through me.
“It’s time for you to come with me. If
you don’t fight, then I won’t have them stick the nasty needle in your arm that
you don’t like.”
I nod my head at her.
She takes me to a room that is no bigger
than the one I live in. In the center of the room is a large metal table with a
chair on each side. A pitcher of water with two glasses sits at the far end of
the table, along with a notepad and a tape recorder.
She motions me to sit down and I obey.
She sits in front of me, then adjusts the tape recorder between us and presses
the recorder button. I don’t look at her; I just stare at the recorder on the
table in front of me.
The woman takes out a pen from her
pocket and scribbles something on the notepad. I can’t read what she has
written, but I honestly don’t care.
“Okay, I want to go over the last matter
we discussed. You said there was a story to tell me that went along with the
pictures you have been drawing. Could you please start from the beginning and
tell me all about it?” the woman asks.
I glance down at my hands that are
strapped to the chair and swallow hard to keep down the food. Taking in a deep
breath through my nose, I begin my story.
—“This girl that I have mentioned, the
one that used to be my friend, it is her story. A story of a love so deep it
would cut you like a knife.” I snicker before going on. “My friend’s love
turned into betrayal and fear.
She doesn’t
understand what I did for her, but I did what I had to do for my friend to be
happy again and to live a life free from fear and heartache.
One
Four years earlier…
Clare Culback
The intercom
crackled as it came to life. A woman spoke cheerfully into the microphone,
“Last call for flight 352 to Ft. Myers, Florida.” Clare clipped up her brunette
hair and lifted Kayla onto her hip while Jim wheeled the suitcase and booster
seat to the terminal.
Jim had suggested they go to Naples,
Florida for Thanksgiving to see his mom and stepdad. With all the activity
going on at home, Clare thought it would be a great idea to take some time away
from her hectic life. She wouldn’t actually say
their hectic life because he was the one causing it. The one thing she still
had was her thinking; she could think anything she wanted, and he would never
know. She often wondered what went on in his head — especially because of the crazy things, he did.
Shifting in her seat, Kayla held on to
her mom’s arm and her teddy bear. People scampered down the aisle trying to
find their seats. A couple of kids near the front of the plane started
bickering about who was going to sit near the window. A tall beefy man told
them to stop fighting and sit down.
The door shut to the plane and the
aircraft lined up for take-off. This would be Kayla’s first time flying in a
plane, Clare mused, and she thought back to the doctor’s appointment Kayla had
a few days ago. The doctor had said it was fine for her to fly, but cautioned
that Kayla’s ears may hurt because of the infection she had. Clare had given
Kayla her medicine before they boarded the plane, so she would be drowsy and
not panic during the flight. Clare smoothed her daughter’s short wavy brown
hair from her eyes and sat back.
Jim reclined in his chair and closed his
eyes. Clare stared out of the window looking down at the world from up in the
sky. There was so much you don’t see from the ground, like the outlines of the
houses, fields, rivers, and the different shapes the clouds made. Everything
was magnificent from up here. It had to be God’s gift. Who else, or what else
for that matter, could make something so beautiful and extraordinary.
Clare once dreamed about flying in the
sky. She thought that if she came back after she died, through reincarnation,
she wanted to be a bird. That way she could see how beautiful the world is, and
everything that God had made for us to enjoy.
She closed her eyes and wondered if what
she thought was normal. Thinking about her relationship with Jim and how it
used to be when they first met, she remembered it wasn’t this chaotic. There
had been nothing but love between them, but now she couldn’t even look at him
like she once did. When she used to wake up in the morning, she’d slide up
against him and feel the warmth of his body. They’d make passionate love over
and over until their bodies expended what little energy they had left. They’d
gaze into each other’s eyes as Clare stroked his face. Of course, they didn’t
have Kayla yet, but their old life shouldn’t have changed the way they felt
about each other. Many people have children and they still embrace each other
with love, so what happened to them—what happened to Jim?
Ever since he lost his supervisor
position at the factory where they both worked together and was given an hourly
job, he’d become violent. Clare wondered what she did to make him act this way.
These days she thought twice before saying anything to him. The wrong words would
set him off, but it only seemed to happen when he was drinking. When he was
sober, he acted as if the world was a beautiful place and no wrong ever
happened.
Two hours later, the flight attendant
announced that they would be landing. Kayla was sitting up, eager to get out of
her seat and run around the plane. Jim opened his eyes and smiled at Clare. She
smiled back. Moments like these gave her such hope that he’d get better and not
hurt them anymore.
As Clare helped to gather the luggage,
Kayla shouted from her stroller, “Grammy is here! Grammy is here!” Clare turned
in the direction Kayla was pointing and waved when she saw Grammy who looked
much younger than she’d remembered. Her hair was cut into a bob and dyed red.
Clare was surprised by how much weight
Grammy had lost since she’d moved to Florida. Papa Benny stood next to her and
he reminded Clare of George Carlin, the comedian, with his similar face and
white hair.
Clare gave her mother-in-law and Papa
Benny a hug. Within half an hour, they were entering the community where they
lived. Clare stared through the window and watched the palm trees sway in the
breeze. The bright blue sky was inviting and the warm sun beamed down from
above. She loved this place. It was so beautiful and breathtaking. She’d been
to Florida many times as a child going to Disney World, but never this far
south.
Here in Naples, the smell of salt water
met her senses as she inhaled; it was paradise. The beauty of the palms and
warmth that surrounded her took away all her worries and fears; and she felt as
if all the pain of the past had disappeared.
Several hours after climbing into bed,
Clare jolted awake when she heard the screams coming from her daughter’s room.
She rushed to her bed to hold her until she calmed down. After she gave Kayla
her medicine, she lay down with her and stroked her hair as they both drifted
off to sleep.
The morning sun shone on Clare’s face,
waking her as she slept on the foldout bed in the family room. Trying not to
wake Kayla, she slid out from under the blankets and made her way onto the
lanai where she could see the birds flying from tree to tree. At only 6:30
a.m., the sun was already making the air hot around her.
Their condo sat near a golf course. From
her perch, Clare could see the workers begin mowing the grass and raking the
sand pits for the golfers. She couldn’t understand the concept of hitting the
ball, driving, or walking to where it landed, then hitting the ball again until
it dropped into the hole.
The number of people who were up at this
hour surprised her. Some were walking the path along the outer perimeter of the
condominiums and some were jogging or riding their bikes.
A slight breeze tousled her hair and she
closed her eyes, taking in the warm air. She hadn’t felt this relaxed in a long
time. The sound of the glass slider rolling on its track startled Clare as Jim
joined her outside. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her cheek. Clare
felt butterflies in her stomach as he embraced her. They hadn’t held each other
like this in so long, and it felt wonderful.
“It would be so great to live here,
don’t you think?” Jim asked.
“Yes, it would. I could get used to
waking up and feeling the warmth on my face and seeing blue skies every day. It
sure would be different from Ohio.”
“So, what’s stopping us from doing it?
Let’s move. I know my mom would love to have us here, and enjoy seeing her
granddaughter whenever she wanted.
“We need to tie up loose ends in Ohio,
first and remember, we have to go to court. My family is there and your
sister’s, too. We need jobs, a place to live in, and we have Kayla to worry
about.”
“Just a thought,” Jim huffed. He released
Clare and lit a cigarette. Clare stared out at the sky. It would be nice to live here, she thought.
She decided to look in the newspaper for
jobs in medical claims and billing. The medical business was much better down
here than up north and paid more per hour. Clare found fourteen contacts to
send her resume to when she returned home. She folded the newspaper and slipped
it into her purse.
They spent most of the day at the beach
with Kayla playing in the sand and splashing in the water. As Clare sat on the
beach watching Jim and Kayla build a sandcastle, she thought about moving down
here and how much better their life might be. Jim seemed to be spending more
time with them and becoming more affectionate toward Clare. He didn’t often
play with Kayla at home. Maybe all her prayers were being answered and moving
down to Florida is what they needed.
Returning to Grammy’s condominium, Clare
realized she’d spent way too much time in the sun. Clare didn’t put as much
lotion on as she did with Kayla, so her skin had burned and was tender to the
touch. Jim was smart to bring a T-shirt with him, but he was more brown than
red.
****
The week flew by and before they knew
it, they were preparing to head back. Clare was surprised Papa Benny had stayed
sober while they were visiting. He usually hated having company, as he was more
of a loner. Grammy often told Clare what he would say to her, that he wanted a
divorce or for her to get out. Then during the next day or two he’d apologize
and swear he didn’t mean it.
Papa Benny, a hard-working businessman,
could be sweet and caring when he wanted, especially when he wasn’t drinking.
He and Grammy had moved here a few years ago. It was the one place he wanted to
live, but he knew he’d have to obtain a transfer from his job to do so. They
both worked in nursing facilities as managers handling finances and the other
responsibilities of the facility while living in the building they managed.
Papa Benny wanted to move to Florida where it was warm, but he knew Grammy
would have a difficult time leaving her kids who were all grown up, to move
fourteen hundred miles away, but she did, and she had no regrets. At least
that’s what she told Clare.
Clare could tell that Papa Benny loved
Grammy and would do anything for her, just as she loved and cared for him.
Jim and Clare said their goodbyes and
went through security. Clare gave Kayla her medicine before they boarded the
plane, hoping it would alleviate the pain in her ears. The flight home was
exhausting, but Clare couldn’t get the thought of moving to Florida out of her
head.
She spent the next couple of days
revamping her resume and faxing it. By the end of the week, she had sent
fourteen faxes and received six responses. When she wrote the cover letter she
made it clear that they would be moving down in February.
The other eight weren’t too happy about
waiting, but Clare was ecstatic about the new adventure ahead.
Jim decided to quit his job two weeks
after they got back and talked Clare into doing the same, but she wanted to
wait until after going to court for the bankruptcy hearing in January before
quitting. She took care of the bills and didn’t want to fall short on paying
them, which happened anyway because neither one could cash their 401Ks until
after the court date. So, they asked Jim’s dad for money and Clare assured him
that he would be paid back as soon as they cashed their checks.
****
Christmas came, and Clare had to tell
her family that they were moving to Florida. If they were unhappy, they didn’t
show it.
January arrived and they went to court.
The bankruptcy went through, and they cashed their checks, which made Clare
feel more at ease. She had paid all the bills in advance and also repaid Jim’s
father.
They were moving to Florida. Everything
that had happened in the last two years seemed like a blur. They’d lost
everything—at least everything that meant something to Clare.
She sorted through the photos she’d
taken of their first house together, the house that wasn’t theirs any longer.
They had lived with Clare’s parents for a year while their house was being
built. Clare had bought a six and a half acre wooded lot and had a dome house
with three bedrooms and two full baths built on it. When they were able to move
in, she painted all the rooms herself and did all the decorating.
Wiping away her tears, she stuffed the
pictures back into their envelope, piled more books in the box, and then sealed
the box. All she remembered now was how hard she’d worked to build that house.
Jim didn’t have any money set aside when they met, but Clare had sold another
piece of land she’d bought as well as her first car. She was the one who was
paying for everything and the money was soon gone.
They’d moved three times, but she
couldn’t wait to move out of this townhouse. It was next door to a girl from
work who she didn’t get along with at work. She didn’t know why the girl didn’t
like her, but Clare surely didn’t like her sister who lived there as well. The
sister whom Jim tried to have sex with one night, yet he claimed she came on to
him, kissing him and touching him; which was enough to make Clare nauseated
when he told her. Clare wanted to believe him, but these past two years made it
hard to believe anything he said.
She finished packing in two days, though
most of their belongings were in a storage unit when they moved out of the
house. In four days, they were renting the moving truck and driving south to Florida.
Zeya Culback, Jim’s sister, would be
riding with him in the truck. Zeya hadn’t seen her mom in almost a year because
of a lack of money.
Grammy thought it was a wonderful idea
and was thrilled with her coming to visit. Besides, Jim could use the company
since Clare would be driving down in her car with Kayla.
Before going to see her parents, Clare
drove to her friend Angel’s house, but she knew it would be hard to say goodbye
to her friend of ten years. Angel was always there for Clare to lean on when
things went wrong in her life.
After pulling into the driveway, Clare
parked the car and got out. Angel stood on the porch with her arms crossed in
front of her. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Clare
couldn’t remember the last time she wore it that way.
“Hi, Angel,” Clare greeted her, choking back
her tears. Angel opened her arms and embraced her.
“I’m going to miss you, you know. Who am
I going to lean on when you’re gone?” Angel asked.
“I’m going to miss you too. I wish you could
come with me,” Clare whispered. “I’m just a phone call away. We’ll keep in
touch. I promise.” They held each other and cried.
“I promise too, but you’re right, we’ll
keep in touch.”
After saying their goodbyes, Clare wiped
the tears streaming down her cheeks and drove away. She wasn’t sure how she’d
manage without Angel, but she had to learn and hold her own.
More tears surfaced when Clare hugged
her mom. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing, she had to do.
“You don’t have
to go, you know,” Clare’s mom whispered in her ear, which made Clare cry
harder. But she knew she should go,
she wanted to go, although Jim’s moods and the process of moving were more
overwhelming than she’d anticipated. Something inside told her that everything
would work out in the end. At least that’s what she’d told herself. How could
it get any worse than what had happened already?
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